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Boys and Toys

Sometimes I think this “grown up” thing, if I can ever get there, wouldn’t be so bad. You know, the whole “I put away childish things” bit? The out-growing of all those small and not-so-small fripperies that you’ve always known you don’t really need, but keep spending (or wasting) your time and money on nonetheless?

I mean, right now, I know I have bills to pay coming up and some very important expenses that I most definitely should be socking some money aside for – and I want a new toy. I’ve looked over my finances for this month, and I think I’ll barely make it through – and I want a new toy. I was overdrawn on my credit card last month (I definitely don’t want to be anywhere near there again), and next month’s a triple-hit rent month – and I want a new toy. I’ve got a few old toys I’m not even finished playing with yet – and I want a new toy. Vickie needs some dental work, for crying out loud, and she’s going to be in a sticky period for a little while – and I want a new god-damned toy.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I’m an intelligent person, I know what my responsibilities are, and I know when I’m being suckered by consumerism, yet I keep walking into EB and looking at what’s going cheap, and thinking, hey, $20 off that, that’s only $60 now, that’s not too bad – and that’s down to only $50 now, so those’d only be $110 in total – even though I know that’s $110 of paid bills, or $110 worth of new shoes (that I actually need), or groceries, or the odd trip or two to the movies for us.

For some reason, the knowing I can’t really afford to splurge on myself at the moment makes it worse; the act of buying a luxury for myself becomes almost an act of rebellion, even though I know it’s only me, and the responsibilities I’ve chosen for myself, I’m rebelling against, and that it’ll only be Vickie and I that I’ll be hurting in the end.

Do you know what the most frustrating thing is? The moment I bring the game home and install it on my PC or run it on my Xbox, it becomes just another game on the screen. It’s still the same screen, same old me parked in front of it, same old keyboard and mouse or controller.

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